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Overwhelmed.



I think ”overwhelmed” sums up what I’ve felt like the last few days. Completely overwhelmed. Both emotionally and by things.

The past days have been full of (both time-wise and literally) organising, sorting, throwing away, and ploughing through 6 years of stuff accumulated. To some I might be described as a horder, but I like to think of it as good stewardship. I am sure my fellow ”it-might-come-in-useful-some-day-in-the-future-so-I-better-keep-it” will agree. ”Waste not, want not”, isn’t that how the saying goes. I sorted through little pieces of coloured paper…useful to make a mosaic; used jiffy-bags…useful for sending parcels, if you’re not in Brazil (here you need to use the official cardboard box)…half-empty shampoo bottles, if I suddenly found myself in desperate need of shampoo….old Norwegian cross-word magazines, in case I suddenly remembered some intricate word I hadn’t managed to fill in. In short: STUFF.

It was quite emotional, not just because of the stuff, but because of the life it represents. I told my Canadian friend Julie on the phone that from now on I am going to live out of a suitcase because it’s way too much work and stress to move. But she very wisely pointed out that it was my stuff which made my flat a home, which is what it’s been to me. Home. I guess I don’t really realize how much I have become part of this place, or rather, just how much a part of me this place has become.

So I feel overwhelmed.

I went out to the farm today and said goodbye to the boys and Peter and Selma. It’s surreal. And when Mardônio asked when I was coming back, it was really hard to explain that I don’t know…maybe never. At my leaving BBQ Peter said I could never understand what it’s like to be without me, because I’m always with me. That’s true, but I will most certainly know what it’s like to be without the people here. And I know I will miss them A LOT! In Portuguese there is a great word which is ”saudade”. It basically means the ”missing”. I don't think there is an English equivalent. A saudade vai ser grande!

Slowly it’s becoming real, this leaving lark. What the future holds, only God knows. And in the meantime I remain overwhelmed.


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