Skip to main content

A heavy heart.

I was walking along the pavement on my way to the prayer room. The weather was humid, yet warm; the sky grey, bordering on black, as if it was just waiting for an opportune moment to relase rain (which I was really hoping would be after I’ve reached my destination and not before). I was walking with a heavy heart.

The whole day I’d been feeling a bit strange, but I hadn’t managed to identify why. Then it hit me. It was because of the really bad news I received in an email yesterday. Two of the boys, now young men, I’d worked with on the streets from my first week in Fortaleza, Brazil back in January 2001, had been killed. I still feel kind of shell-shocked. It’s strange to think that Cesar, who was such a wild boy, yet with such sweetness to him at times, is gone. And Eduardo Vitor, who always meant that he knew best, is no longer with us. A few weeks ago I was told about how one of the girls I’d worked with on the streets had been stabbed to death after severely beating her 3-month old baby.

What do I do with this kind of news? I remember always holding on to the reality that as long as there is life there is hope. What about when there is no more life? I don’t know.

Tears whell up in my eyes writing this, and I know that the best response, the only response, is to continue to lift up those who are still alive to God, believing that the intecession I do here impacts and changes situations there, giving them opportunities to make choices which will bring them life and not death.

Popular posts from this blog

My heart is full

I sat waiting for the train while drinking chocolate milk and eating what we call solbolle for lunch (which is a large cinnamon roll with custard in the middle). My heart was overflowing with gratitude and love, and such a deep sense of fellowship and “family”. I’d spent the morning drinking coffee at my old job at Crux , catching up with all the amazing people that make that fellowship and sense of togetherness what it is. Since many are fully vaccinated I got to give and receive quite a few good hugs. Hugs that communicate so much more than one can put into words. It was strange being back after 4.5 months, and yet it felt so very normal. Conversations on deeper levels, sharing victories and joys, and putting into words the good we see in each other, filled my heart until there was simply no more room. Waiting for the train it felt like my heart was overflowing. My new job is great. I love the team I work with, enjoy the challenges, and feel humbled by the privilege of being invited...

There was a before and there will be an after.

“Do you really think it will go over?” A question posed as I was chatting to someone over coffee this week (with distance of course). My immediate response was that yes, I really do think it will go over, but I don’t know when or what it will look like. I don’t know when we’ll be back to “normal.” But to be honest, I am not sure I really want things to go back to being as they were before ... The past seven weeks have been so very different. Social distancing, staying one meter away from others, having permanently dry hands from antibac and washing hands a lot, and having to limit most interaction with others to a screen, have become part of everyday life. And of course the distance and isolating part of this “normal” I have no desire of seeing become part of the after . But at the same time I see good growing in this time of crisis; good that I do want to bring into the after , and what will become my normal when this crisis comes to an end. Time. Whether we like it or not, o...

Finding pockets of life (and a bubble-tea metaphor).

“Where can I find life?” has been a question I have asked myself a lot recently (but really for years). And really the deeper question is: “What is life, and what does it look like?” I guess the simple answer is whatever makes you feel alive on the inside; that brings a smile to your face; and that gives you energy and increases your capacity. There are so many side-effects of burn-out; or maybe they are rather causes of burn-out, which when combined become a huge mountain that can topple even the strongest of people. But once you have been depleted of your capacity to stand in the face of the challenges around you, one of the things that can help increase your energy and capacity is finding pockets of life. (And of course a lot of other things like rest, exercise, patience when the process is slow, setting boundaries etc. but that’s for another blogpost). The past months I’ve been watching and searching and paying attention. Searching for choices that will bring life, and paying att...