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God is good…isn’t He?

Taking things into my own hands. Figuring out solutions and the possible based on my limited mental capacity. Basing hope on what the past communicated to me. Why is it so hard to give it all to God? Why is it so hard to truly surrender without a get-out clause, without a “plan b” if His plan doesn’t work? And why do I feel like I need to fend for myself when He says He’s my defender, and protect myself when His clear again and again that He will protect me?

Doing it myself is such hard work. Striving is exhausting, yet how can I truly walk and not strive? How do I let go? What does letting go of everything and laying it in His hands look like, or even feel like? What do a heart and a soul truly at rest feel like? Maybe like Jesus asleep with His head on a cushion in the boat while the storm is raging? Maybe like Peter after Jesus had taken away the shame of denial and entrusted him with the ones He loved so much He died for them? I wonder if Peter struggled after that day? Did he ever take control back and try to do it on his own, or was that a closed door in his life, an ended chapter?

And me. Is there hope to get to a place of complete trust. Even when I see nothing. Feel nothing. Hear so little. Will I be able to surrender control and give God all things, trusting He is in control even in the things I have no control over?

Just wondering…and wanting to trust Him fully…at all times and in all things. At the end of the day it’s all about Him anyway. It always was. It was never about me.

So I lift my gaze- I fix my eyes on you Jesus. Help me cease striving, enter in, and simply know that you are God.

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