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At a crossroads yet again.

This evening feelings of weariness flood my soul. Weary of not knowing. Weary of choosing to trust. Weary of waiting. Weary of walking yet not knowing what I am walking in or towards. Weary of figuring out life on my own.

This past month the reality of crossroads in life has hit me yet again. I knew it was coming, but suddenly it was there and I just had to go with it. There’s not much more I can do...except waiting and trusting and choosing. Choosing to let God be the One who guides and fights and prepares the path before me.

My crossroads is “do I stay or do I go”? From Kansas City and IHOP-KC. In October I’ll have been here two years, which feels like 5 years and at the same time 6 months. In December I go home for Christmas. It’ll have been a year since last time and I’ll be seeing my niece who’ll be 3 instead of 2 years old, and my little nephew who will be 1 year already, and I’ll get to meet little Julie who is only three weeks old as I write this. She’ll be 4 months when I meet her for the first time. The hardest thing about being in missions and full-time ministry is the sacrifice of being close to family. The missing out not just on big family events, but even more the day-to-day living. The doing life together.

After Christmas I have no idea what life will be. Will I return to continue to run hard after Jesus here in the USA or will it be Norway or somewhere else? The questions right now is will I be able to return here even if I wanted to? My heart is weary. All change is hard, and somehow I think the anticipation of change is even harder. Not knowing is harder then knowing. At least if I know, then I can prepare my heart. But right now it almost feels like I’m back at square one. I thought I was starting to settle a little bit here, but now I might just have 4 months left here.

Some days I long for change. I love what I do here. Hope City, prophecy, healing, Sozo; all things where I get to partner with Jesus in bringing life to people. What a privilege! Yet it’s almost as if something is missing. I’m just not quite there. I haven’t found that space that fits me perfectly where I take a deep breath and say “now this is what I was created to” with confidence. I’ve had little tokens of it the past years, but tokens are what they’ve been. Tasters of what it means to be fulfilled.

So many ifs and maybes and buts, and it’s quite overwhelming. I keep wondering if I need to do something. Feeling like it’s up to me, when I know it’s up to Him! I keep wondering if I’m just asking the wrong questions or if I’m just to emotionally involved in my own life to hear His heart for my life? Wondering if the longings of my heart keep me from knowing the longing of His heart? He is the good Shepherd. My Shepherd. He leads me so well. But I need to connect with His heart afresh. I need to connect with the revelation that He truly is in control. Connect so that my heart can be fully surrendered to that.

But in the midst of that I am weary. Right now I’m just weary, yet at peace. But you can be at peace and still be weary. And that’s where I am at. And then I wonder if I wait in my weariness, if He will show me, if He will come with the strength to run like it says in Isaiah 40. If He will make me soar so I can see things from His perspective?

That’s where I am at tonight. And tonight I choose to continue to wait and trust. Wait on my good Shepherd to guide me. Knowing He will always be with me whatever the months and years ahead hold. He is the constant One in change, and I cling to Him.

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