Debrief has
been completed, final newsletter has been sent out, and thank yous to
supporters have been posted. I am moving into my apartment and starting a new
job in a few days. It feels like I am definitely coming to the end of this
stage of transition and stepping into a new season in life.
It’s
strange and surreal. The pile of things yet to pack and boxes ready to be moved
are a good visual of how the next few days and weeks feel a little bit like a
mountain ready to be faced and conquered. Yet I can finally see the end of it.
I signed my rental contract yesterday and am ready to make my apartment a home
for the next while. Tomorrow will be a busy day packing, but a good day in
anticipation of finally being able to unpack and actually have a kitchen,
lounge, and bedroom as my living space and be able to create a space for my
belongings (which would have been much more numerous had I not been living abroad
for so long).
The weeks
that have passed have been quite emotional and hard at times, so find a few
little posts I have written since my last post here. They are not very hopeful
but quite real and so I think it’s time to share them as part of the journey, yet
in light of the hope that saturates the point of the journey I find myself at
right now.
Thursday 17 July 2014
Melt
down.
Tears. Many
tears just welling up and pouring down my face. Not because I’m sad or in pain.
Just tears. Changes, decisions, the unknown. Sometimes it just gets a bit much
and a bit overwhelming… and the tears come. It’s like all the pressure that has
been built up inside has to come out and comes out as tears.
Being home
yet feeling like such an outsider. Being so different from the people who live
her. I might look totally like them, but my life hasn’t been like their lives.
Finding myself pulled into the mindset that worries about money. Where
calculations are made carefully and the limitations are financial. Where
decisions are made within the boundary of means.
Living by
faith, not quite knowing how much would come in gave me such a sense of
security and peace… I knew I would always have enough. And yet here I am
applying for jobs and calculating rent and bills and wondering if I’ll get a
job that will help me break even every month. It’s a strange sensation to
potentially have so much more, and yet feeling like I have so much less.
The
realization that life will be so different… yet wondering if it will be. I am
still the same me and my heart is still the same. Wondering if I’ll get to do
something that makes a difference with my life here in Norway beyond sitting
behind a computer doing administration. And yet at the same time a reality
where that is all I need to deal with seems so tempting some days. Other days I
miss the challenge of meeting people in desperate need and walking alongside
them and seeing them grasp onto hope. I guess this is what transition looks
like. No day is the same, yet they are all moving me into the next season.
This is
probably what you’d call reverse culture shock in some sense… a sense of home
yet not home. The wave that just comes and it’s no use fighting it… the best
move is just to sit it out.
I look
forward to getting done with transition. I look forward to being more settled
and figuring out how my life can make a difference in Norway.
And until
then I will just take the tears when they come, knowing that this too will
pass.
July 2014
Summer
revisited.
Childhood
memories of swimming in the sea and long summer days at our cottage on the
beach filled my mind as I was doing just that; swimming in the sea on a
summer’s day. In the midst of moving back to my home town it has been such a
blessing to have a part of summer here and what a summer it has been. 28
degrees warmth and 22 degrees in the sea. Perfect. The other day I was floating
in the sea with such a sense of peace. And I was so thankful for the gift of
Summer this year. A breathing space in the midst of a lot of changes.
Monday 11 August 2014
The
power of purpose and hope.
It’s been a
tough week. Reality is hitting- hard. And even if I have wonderful family
around me who are with me, I still feel so alone. Alone in having to figure out
life in Norway. Alone in having to find a job and apply for whatever positions
seem to fit me. Alone in having to make decisions no one else can make for me.
It’s not
like I haven’t had to go through these kinds of times before, but the
difference is that when I’ve had to do all the settling in and figuring out
before in the different places I’ve lived, I’ve had such a sense of purpose
attached to it. I’ve literally been on a
mission. And now I’m not.
I know I’m
to live here in Norway, and I really want to live here close to my family. But
as to the purpose in life- it’s hard to grasp what that is.
I was
watching an episode of ER today where the doctors are in the Congo saving
lives. It brought back memories of when I watched the exact same episodes in
Fortaleza, finding relief from the extreme situations we were faced with in our
work in watching fictional tragedy based in reality. And as I watched it today
it was as if my lack of purpose was increased by the intense purpose there. I
don’t like looking for a job simply because I will have bills to pay. I don’t
like worrying about what my pay will be more then what my job will be. But
reality is that bills do have to be paid, and that being alone means that I do
have higher expenses then when they are shared with someone else.
And so I
realize that even if my circumstances have changed, I do need to find purpose
and hope here also. Life is to be lived, and if I am not finding life in what
I’m moving into, then it’s probably not supposed to be a part of it.
Many ponderings. Ups and downs. Tears and
smiles. That’s transition for you.