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Visiting Paulinho.

As I gave him a hug goodbye tears pressed towards my eyelids and I could no longer hold them back. Like when waters press past the banks of a river, so my tears flowed down my face. They were tears of joy. Tears of saudade (note: Portuguese word describing the feeling of missing somone).

What a joy to see Paulinho. See him grown. See him well. See him take the first steps of independance in the big world. Because the world is big, and he has stepped into it. Stepped onto a plane in Fortaleza, Brazil, and stepped into a music school in Hamar, Norway. A huge step for a young man, but it’s what God does when we let Him. He raises the lowly from the ashes and sets them as princes. Paulinho is a prince. He is highly regarded and favoured in God’s heart.

So I left him there. My visit wasn’t long, but it took away some of the ”saudade” and created a new ”saudade”. Carrying people in my heart breaks it more often then not. Not because bad things happen (although sometimes they do), but because when you let someone into your heart, it is heartbreaking to not be close to them. Not be able to have an active part in their life. Not be able to show them that I love them and that they are important to me more often.

But that’s life. People come and go. Some become part of the past and some remain in my heart, like Paulinho. Remain and cause tears of joy and ”saudade”. But then I suppose that if you don’t love you don’t miss. ”Saudade” is part of the price I have to pay for having people in my heart.

I am sat here in a not too busy airport terminal. And I feel the ”saudade” of not just Paulinho, but also of the other people he represents. The ones I love in Brazil. The ones my heart aches for because I miss them. A tear forms in the corner of my eye and I can feel a lump in my throat. I take a deep breath. The ache is still there, but I remember that God is also there. There to share my heart aching because He comforts. There to share my love, or is it I who am sharing His love… I love because He first loved me.

I am grateful that I could visit Paulinho today. Grateful that he is well. Grateful for God’s faithfulness. Thank you Jesus. (Written 3rd September 2008).

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